I sat in the waiting room chair filling out the stack of requisite forms. My thoughts were swirling around, wondering what I might learn in a few minutes. Would I still be able to run after all this? And what did that mean?
Several months earlier, almost a year earlier in fact, people kept asking me if I was limping. It was the most annoying question. “No, I’m not limping, just my natural walk I guess.” But over time, even I noticed something was not quite right in my gait, but nothing hurt, so whatever.
After training for a half marathon with my running clients in the fall, I went spent November battling terrible hip pain and had difficulty walking. A visit to my trainer in December was helpful. Yup, hip is locked up. Did exercises for a month or so and that helped, but still not right. Got a physical therapy referral from my doctor and now waited to hear the verdict.
Based on my exhaustive written description of symptoms and an evaluation, the PT proclaimed my hip capsule to be very angry and refusing to move (hip capsulitis). But with some therapy, home exercises, rest and care we could get it happy and moving again.
It was such a relief to hear the diagnosis. I think many runners go through existential crises every time they have an injury. “How bad is it?” “Can I still run?” “Will this be the injury that takes me down for good?” Runners LOVE to run and often to the exclusion of other complementary exercise, but that is another post altogether.
Running can become an identity. It’s what we do, it’s how we think, it’s who we hang out with. It affects so many areas in our lives. Our habits, health, finances, travel, relationships, career. It can touch just about every part of our lives. And what if that is suddenly not possible anymore? What do we have left? Who are we?
We could obviously replace the word runner with many other ways of identifying ourselves. And not to say this is all bad. There is a lot of joy and comfort and stability in identifying so strongly with something that makes such a positive impact in our lives. But at times when we are forced to pause and think what life might be like if we could no longer claim that identity, it can feel a little fraught.
So, as I work on making my hip happy, I am also going to work on taking a more balanced approach to my life, my fitness, my relationships – the whole shebang. Maybe strike up a friendship with someone who could care less about running. Take up a fun new activity like Zumba – that should get my hips moving, right? But mostly, just allow myself to be me. One step at a time.