Jesse turned the corner onto his street and sprinted in a final push, uphill toward his driveway. He was breathing so fast and hard, it felt as if his throat might swallow itself. Heart pounding, legs burning he crossed the imaginary finish line and (like any seasoned runner) stopped his watch.
“Damn!” he muttered as he looked at the time.
Solidly into his 40s, he was as fit as he’d been in his entire life and yet, he couldn’t even come close to matching his mile times from his 20s. To add insult to injury, his training plan then consisted of too much beer and fast food, too little sleep and planning was non-existent.
He walked up the driveway, through the garage, into the kitchen, snagging a towel from the laundry basket on his way. He grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, downed it, then leaned against the counter dripping and mopping and scowling.
I’m fine.
His wife walked in, rinsed her coffee cup, turned and gave him a curious look.
“Are you OK?” “Did something happen on your run?”
“I’m fine”, he grumbled without looking up.
“Well, you don’t look fine and you certainly don’t sound fine.”
“I’m fine. Well, fine for a slow, old loser who can’t run worth a lick!”
“What are you talking about? You’re a great runner!”
“I WAS a great runner. Race after race, year after year, I got faster and faster. Lately, I’m getting slower and slower, even though I’m working as hard or hard than ever. That’s just not right!”
“Hmm…Can I ask you a question?”
“What?”
“Do you think you could beat Jojo in a race right now?”
“Of course not! He’s 20. I’m sure he’d run his old man into the ground.”
“So, why do you expect 44-year-old you to keep up with 20-year-old you?”
“I don’t know. But if there is no possibility of me getting faster, or even maintaining my current speed, what’s the point of running at all? I’m only going to get worse!”
Midlife Splices
Jesse’s experience is probably familiar to anyone who has entered their fourth decade of life. And for those of us in the fifth decade and beyond, it can be a daily occurrence. Discovering that something your body could do in the not-too-distant past, is not possible today. Or that shopping list you used to be able to keep in your head now needs to be written down in excruciating detail.
It’s normal to compare our current selves to our past selves. It’s also quite normal to idealize those past selves. The stories we craft to explain our history are important. They help us make sense of our journey through life to where we are now. The problem is we tend to remember the highlights, the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows.
These stories make for interesting cocktail conversation or something to keep your kids entertained on a long car ride. But they don’t paint an accurate picture of what your day-to-day life looked like. What it felt like to live it. The history of you is just that. History. Something that happened in the past and all that’s left are a few facts and figures and a lot of rose-colored, single-perspective interpretation.
Get Back Jojo
What if you could hop in the Wayback Machine and see your history in greater detail, in real time? How would the story differ from the one you are telling now?
Well, for starters, it would include a lot more detail, probably boring detail. In fact, 90% of life is probably boring details. Only 10% makes the cutting room floor of your long-term memory.
In addition to greater detail, the stories would be more matter of fact. They would lack the depth of analysis, judgment and interpretation that comes with time and contemplation. Less story and more telling in real time commentary.
Lastly, and maybe surprisingly, as much as we tend to idealize the past, if you could actually go there, you’d find a certain amount of dissatisfaction then too. It might not be the same flavor of dissatisfaction as you have now. The younger you might be telling the story of a future that is “so much better than now”. Once again, playing the highlight reel of expectation and editing out the realities of day-to-day life that none of us get to escape. Yet, we imagine it will be different for us.
As we step back into the Wayback Machine and plop back into our present time lives, we may feel a little disappointed by what we learned on our trip.
The Meaning
Does this mean that real life is dull and boring? That we only THINK the past was amazing because we’re fooling ourselves into forgetting the long, boring days, weeks and years, hoping for something better to come along? And that we only THINK the future will be exciting and satisfying because it’s a fairy tale we’re creating in our minds, but unlikely to play out in reality?
You may even ask, “20 years from now will I look back on today and think how amazing my life was? Even though now I feel completely disillusioned and miserable. Stuck. Pulled taut. Not able to reach back and regain what I used to have and not being able to stretch forward enough to grasp what I believe will make me truly happy.”
You might, in fact, there’s a high likelihood you will. And if that’s true, is it an exercise in futility to try and create some excitement now? To make plans and set goals? Why bother?
Because your story matters. Even if you are the only one who ever hears it, it matters.
Past, Present, Future
The story of your past is like a historical novel. Good parts front and center, not so good parts tempered by time and space. Mostly true, but embellished to make it a bit more interesting. Often includes a bit of revisionist history as time goes on and memories become a bit fuzzy.
The story of your present is like a documentary. Most days aren’t super exciting unless we create those opportunities ourselves. Sometimes good surprises come along and those make for good clips. Even the drama and tragedies that pop up keep things interesting, albeit stressful. Mostly just boring B-roll content.
The story of your future is the stuff of fantasy. A world where anything is possible and the problems and concerns of today will have melted away. The future is an exciting place because no one can tell you you’re wrong. They don’t know. Truth is, you don’t know either, but they REALLY don’t know. It could happen.
Back to Jesse
Back to Jesse, our discouraged runner. He’s struggling. Romanticizing a version of himself that no longer exists and dramatizing a version of himself he fears will exist in his future. The self he cannot see is his current self. And that’s a shame, because in reality, it’s the only version he has any control over now and it’s the only version who can create a future that fills him with excitement, rather than dread.
And to answer the earlier questions: Why bother? What’s the point?
The point is the story. It’s a constant cycling, just like life itself. Without a present, there would be no history and without a future there would be no present. You can’t have your past and live it too. It just doesn’t work that way.
You bother because the only way you can have a past worth pining for is to live today like a story you would love to read. Filled with raw, real-life scenes. All the highs and lows. The characters you love to love and love to hate. The good, the bad, the ugly. All of it.
Write On.
Today is the paper. You are the pen. Get out there and write a great story, a real page turner. One that will enthrall your future self like no best seller ever could.
Presence is a gift you give yourself, your future self and anyone within your circle of influence. You can learn to shift your focus from longing for what might have been or what might be, to what is. And I can help.
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