I cannot even begin to fathom the number of times I have said the words “I’m sorry” in my lifetime. I’m sure it’s thousands or tens of thousands, but last year something happened that made me realize I needed to say it WAY less.
I don’t even remember the exact circumstances, but I had to ask someone for something they had forgotten to send and I could barely even get a word in edgewise around her effusively saying “I’m sorry” over and over again. Honestly it was no big deal, but the whole encounter was kind of weird and made me stop and think about how and why we use those words.
- Perfectionism: Perfectionists expect, well…perfection (duh) from themselves and when they aren’t “perfect”, they feel they have made a mistake. Thus, feeling the need to apologize. Giving ourselves grace and space to be human and make mistakes will help us have healthier expectations of ourselves – AND others!
- Poor self-esteem: There are a variety of reasons people develop poor self-esteem, but when we feel that we are less than or not good enough, it can often lead to apologizing for our perceived unworthiness. And this can also be a way of seeking external compliments and approval.
- Using as a “buffer word”. It kind of takes the sting away from what we are saying. Making it seem more polite, less direct and aggressive. Women seem to fall into this category most often as we are conditioned to not make waves or hurt anyone’s feelings, so we “soften the blow” with apologies and other meek behaviors.
- Habit: I think this was the category I fell into (along with a combination of all the above). It was something I said so often, for so long, for so many reasons that it just naturally rolled off my tongue and didn’t really mean anything close to the original definition anymore.
Over time I became very aware of when I used the words “I’m sorry” and tried to NOT say them at all. I would say that 75-80% of the times I used those words I wasn’t actually apologizing for anything. For that other 20-25% where some sort of sorrow was warranted, I got creative and used other words. “Oops” is a light-hearted one, but not always appropriate for business or serious situations. “Apologies” is a nice formal one. “Mea culpa” will make you feel smart and throw your offendee off guard. “Pardon me” sounds a bit snooty, but could help you get some Grey Poupon. My personal favorite: “I made an error” and then I proceed to just tell it like it is. Being upfront and honest is very refreshing and most people will appreciate your candor.
In summary, to borrow a very lame pop culture reference #sorrynotsorry