As I drove down the road, chatting and laughing like so many conversations we’d had before, she said something that changed everything. “He’s doing great. I noticed he’s lost weight, probably about 20 lbs. I am so proud of him, but I don’t want to say anything. He might think he’s already done enough and stop trying.”
Mind blown. Thoughts swirled wildly. Images flashed before my eyes. I’m sure all the blood drained from my face as I gripped the steering wheel deciding what to say next. I honestly don’t remember anything else about that conversation except that I saw my whole life through an entire different lens. Her lens.
Never feeling good enough no matter how hard I tried or how much success I had. Always hoping for validation, affirmation. As a little child asking, “I’m being good aren’t I?” Over and over and over again because I was so afraid I was doing something wrong. Even when the praise did come it was always guarded, not too effusive. Always left feeling a little hollow.
That conversation in the car was a turning point for me for two reasons. First, it gave me a glimpse into her mindset, her motivation and intention. She DID see me. She WAS proud of me. She was just afraid to tell me because she didn’t want me to stop. She wanted me to keep going. Second, it made me realize that I spent far too many years seeking external validation, rather than internal validation. That insecure grasping was part of the cycle that kept me from feeling good about myself. And it affected the way others saw me as well.
On another recent solo car ride, I was listening to a podcast about self talk. And how we are really hard on ourselves. We can do 99 things right and will fixate on the one thing we missed. 99 things right – that’s huge! And that should be our focus, not the one. We must learn to stop beating ourselves up and instead look at ourselves as we would a treasured friend. Then we will see with eyes of compassion, grace, pride and acceptance.
As the traffic and noise faded into the background, a big smile spread across my face.
“I am enough!”, I shouted and happy tears of release started to flow.