12 years ago this week I had a very painful life change thrust upon me. Exactly 7 years prior to that, I’d had a different, yet equally painful life change. These two events had one main thing in common. It was not my decision and I had no control over it. I was devastated, lost and felt completely out of control.
I spent the first decade or so of my adulthood making rash decisions and creating a very chaotic life. I spent the next decade swinging to the opposite end of that spectrum. Stubborn, determined, committed. If instability had created the disasters that marred my 20s and early 30s, surely stability was the answer to all my problems. And it was. Until it wasn’t.
What I learned from those two heartbreaking events was that I didn’t trust myself to make decisions, so I put myself in positions where others made the decision for me. They decided if I was worthy of love. They decided how much my time and talents were worth. And they decided when I was no longer needed. Both times, it felt like a shock, totally unexpected. But I knew deep in my heart there were warning signs and I chose to ignore them in pursuit of stability, security and playing it safe.
In essence, I gave away my power to protect myself FROM myself.
That’s a tough pill to swallow and brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Over the past decade I have worked hard to learn who I really am and what I truly want. To trust myself and my instincts. To take back my power – no, take hold of it for the very first time.
12 years ago, 19 years ago I was resisting change with all my might. I wonder what change I might be resisting right now. I pray for an open heart and eyes to see the possibilities ahead and the courage to step out.