Time Is on my side, yes, it is.

Time.  It’s an interesting concept and there are lots of opinions about it.

• Time waits for no man.
• Lost time is never found again.
• Time is money.
• Time isn’t the main thing.  It’s the only thing.

Chrono Logical

As someone who is learning how to navigate life with chronic illness, time has taken on a new meaning for me.  What I’ve discovered is that my energy stays pretty high throughout the morning hours, then wanes in the afternoons.  And by wanes, I mean there are times when I feel attached to the couch by some unseen gravitational force. 

In the late afternoons I generally get a second wind, well let’s be honest, it’s probably more of a breeze. But it allows me enough energy to finish a few more things, as long as they don’t require deep focus or concentration.

Powering Through

My main takeaway from this new life experience is that I need to arrange my schedule according to my energy levels.  Gone are the days of powering through and damning the consequences.  That got me through years, even decades, of my life. 

Now, the consequences cannot be ignored.  Powering through, not listening to my body, pushing myself beyond my energy limits comes at a cost.  And generally, that cost is at best feeling like crap for the next 1-2 days, at worst getting sick and feeling like crap for the next 1-2 weeks.

Here’s what I think.

Recognizing my morning energy came pretty quickly.  Honoring it has taken a little bit longer.  The main thought I had was, “If it doesn’t happen in the morning, it’s probably not going to happen”.  On the surface, this isn’t a bad thought.  In fact, it sounds fairly sensible to me.  Awareness and acknowledgment of my energy patterns and limitations.

Over time, though, this thought showed up in a couple of negative ways that left me feeling at the effect of time.  Feeling like time controlled me.  Timebound.  Like time isn’t on my side. 

Restricted Area

The first way this showed up was in thinking I didn’t have enough time.  My time was restricted; therefore, I was restricted.  I could only do so much in the amount of time I was allotted.  And I believed it wholeheartedly because it was playing out every day in my life.  I would start the day with good energy and focus, efficient and motivated, moving through my tasks with ease.  Then the clock struck noon and I became like a wind-up toy at the end of it’s time.  The ticks coming slower and slower until they stopped altogether.

I found myself paying more attention to what the clock said vs. how my body felt.  Not planning as much because I didn’t think I’d have time to get it done.  Cancelling more, delaying more, procrastinating more and just flat out giving up more.  I was playing the role of victim to the perceived villain inside the clock, playing dead before time could catch up and attack me.

Thinking of my time as restricted kept me from enjoying the time I actually did have.

Under Pressure

The second way this showed up was in thinking I had to compress more into less time.  I would start my day with the thought, “I have to cram all this in before noon”.  Again, pretty innocuous on the surface and totally believable.  If you know your tank of gas will run out by noon, of course you are going to try your best to get to your destination before then.

But rather than motivated, I felt pressured.  I began to overload my mornings to try and pack a whole day’s worth of activities into just a few precious hours.  It was me against the clock, furiously checking things off my finely curated to-do list.  Then, at the stroke of noon, my carriage would turn back into a pumpkin and I would collapse, convinced the rest of the day was a loss.

What I wasn’t doing on those days was showing gratitude for the energy I did have, the gift of energy I was given.  Instead, I just snatched what I could like a contestant in one of those shopping spree game shows.  Rushing up and down the aisles of my mornings, grabbing what I thought looked most valuable off the shelves and throwing it in my cart.  Not paying much attention to what made sense or what I needed the most.  I raced the buzzer, sliding across the finish line, out of breath and not sure exactly what I had.

Thinking of time as pressure, kept me from enjoying the time I had good energy.

New Normal

How could I honor and show up for myself with compassion while still acknowledging and working within the reality of my energy levels?  I knew I had to let go of thoughts that led to restriction and pressure, but that’s easier said than done. 

Recognizing that it’s normal for me to want to maintain the activity levels I was used to was a start.  And reminding myself that just because I cannot physically and mentally keep up that same workload does not mean that I am lazy or less than.  It means my normal has changed and that’s OK.  It’s not a moral failing, it just is.

So satisfying

I also knew that I may need to redefine what was important to me, to triage all the things I want to do or think I need to do.  What could I include in my mornings that would tick some basic boxes of satisfaction for me?

• Movement.  Not running ultramarathons anymore, but starting my days with a short dog walk is a non-negotiable.  Swimming has made an appearance here several days per week as well.
• Meditation.  Centering my mind and spirit.
• Journaling.  Getting my thoughts on paper, whatever is top of mind.
• Reading.  I used to view reading as a luxury for when I finished “the important things”.  Now I realize reading IS one of the important things and key to sparking my creativity.
• Writing.  As I’m doing now, my writing comes freely and easily with the energy and focus I have this time of the day.
• Connection.  Coaching, mentoring, keeping up with peers, friends and family.

Time for Compassion

And if my day changes or I realize I’m not going to get it all in, that’s where the compassion really kicks in.  Making adjustments or just throwing something out altogether is such a beautiful kindness I can show myself. 

Even when I have curated my mornings down to the things that align with my values and bring me joy, they can still become a millstone around my neck dragging me into the depths of restriction and pressure if I let them.

In those moments, I loosen the rope, release myself and float toward the surface taking a deep life-giving breath as I emerge.  No longer a slave to the clock.

Time, time, time is on my side, yes, it is.

(Link to the video. You know you sang that last line!)

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Betsy is a certified life coach and blogger who helps midlife women find satisfaction where they are now and inspiration to go after their big goals.

To learn more about working with Betsy, click here.