When you get lost in thought, where do your thoughts usually go? Do they wander to thinking about things that happened in your past? Do they look ahead to things that may happen in your future? Or do they seem to remain focused on the here and now?
You may not even know how to answer this. You might say, “I have no idea. I’ve never thought about my thoughts before.” 😊 Let me set the stage another way. Imagine you are alone, doing a really monotonous task, mowing the lawn or driving down the highway, for example. Your mind begins to drift and suddenly you find yourself feeling very sad or angry or any other number of negative emotions.
What the heck just happened here?
Off the Leash
If you are like many of us, as you settled into the monotony of your task, you were running mostly on autopilot, so your brain had a longer leash than usual. It might have sniffed a few blades of grass at first, enjoying a bit of freedom. But eventually it came across something rotten and smelly and just couldn’t resist doing the old flop and roll, wallowing all around in it.
And what, you may ask, is the “IT” our brain is wallowing in? Why, the past, of course.
In moments like these, if left unchecked, my brain starts bringing up all sorts of steaming piles of historical data, such as:
- My childhood
- My adulthood
- Great comebacks to arguments I lost
- Stupid things I’ve done
- Not stupid things I should’ve done
- Relationship choices
- Career choices
- Basically, all the choices that haven’t turned out the way I wanted and/or made me feel mad, sad, bad or had.
Primitive Brain
Why, oh why does this happen? Why doesn’t my brain default to butterflies and rainbows when left to its own devices?
Biology.
Yup. Our human brains are hardwired with a negative bias. Sounds terrible, but it’s actually a really good thing in many situations. Our brains are designed to scan for threats so we could avoid danger and stay alive. This was really important when we lived in little hunter gatherer tribes and our short lifespans could be shortened even more by outside attacks from predators or inside attacks from ostracization.
Fast forward to present times and for most of us, these dangers no longer exist. Our brains haven’t really kept up with modern society however, and still take their job pretty seriously. So, if there is not current danger to focus on and no present danger to predict, they will naturally settle back into historical mode and offer up things from your past that you might want to consider worrying about now.
Here’s the thing about the past. It happened and we can’t do a damn thing to change that.
Past is Passed
I love this definition of the word “past” as a noun: gone in time or no longer existing.
In reality things that happened in our past are gone, they no longer exist. But our minds have the power to think of them as though they are right here, right now. That ability is lovely for memories that bring up emotions like joy, happiness, peace and comfort. When those thoughts come, we welcome them with open arms, accept them as they are, think of them fondly and feel all the mushy gushy emotions all over again.
On the other hand, when the “not so good” memories come to mind, we are not so welcoming. We may try to push them away or ignore them. If we do allow them in, all those negative emotions start flooding back as well and that feels terrible. Maybe we don’t want to accept these as they are, so we get angry and blame. We may feel sadness and shame. We cry, “This should never have happened!” We may question, “Why did I do that?” Or “Why did this happen to me?”
Our thoughts and emotions will continue to swirl until something interrupts the cycle. Maybe the final swath of lawn is mowed or you have arrived at your destination. You may feel mentally and emotionally fried and you wonder what the heck just happened.
Your past took over your present. Just for a brief time, but it left a mark.
So, am I telling you that bad things in your past don’t matter? Absolutely not.
Counter Offer
I would, however, like to offer you two thoughts:
- The past is history and cannot be changed. We don’t have to like it, but we cannot change it. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can stop beating yourself up.
- The past CAN change us though, for better or worse. It can change us for the better if we learn and grow from it. And it can change us for the worse if we allow our thoughts of the past to cause us undue pain and suffering.
Many times, we had no choice to suffer or not suffer from things that happened in our past. They may have been partially or completely out of our control then and they are 100% completely out of our control now. That can be a hard pill to swallow because our brains will come up with all kinds of ideas to help ease the pain of the past: apologies, revenge, evening up the score.
But exhausting your mental and physical energy trying to right the wrongs of the past does not create a better present or future. I don’t care what all the superhero movies tell you. It just doesn’t help, except at the box office.
Instead, focus your precious resources on the here and now. You no longer have a vote in THEN, but you have the power of NOW. It’s up to you to cast the deciding vote.
A Thing of the Past
Do you find yourself stuck in the past, filled with sadness, anger, shame or regret?
You can learn to think differently about your past so you can live more joyfully now and create an exciting future.
I can help you build that confidence in yourself.
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